Authors: 1.Amy SL Ooi, 2.Wilhan Tjiang, 3.Kris KS See, The Frontier Medicine Institute, Osel Diagnostics, Osel Clinic
Are You Been Emotional Blackmail?
“You will be happy to know I am giving up my goods, and will not be publishing anything thanks to people like you who have not supported me. Thank you for what you did not do.”
“I don’t care. I’ll be dead by the end of the day. Have a nice life.”
What is Emotional Blackmail?
What is emotional blackmail? As described by Susan Forwards, PhD, in her book Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You, is a tactic used by abusers to threaten you to get what they want. The point is to make you feel fear, angry and guilt so that they can have things their way. This may be something as simple as throwing a fit, as an adult, to get out of something. Or it could be a case of threatening to go back to drug use if they can’t see someone or be somewhere they want to be. The whole point is to refuse to take responsibility for their own actions and instead blame you, or threaten to blame you, for every bad decision they could make if they don’t get their way.
The first documented use of “emotional blackmail” appeared in 1947 in the Journals of the National Association of Deans of Women in the article “Emotional Blackmail Climate”. The term was used to describe one type of problematic classroom control model often used by teacher.
Emotional blackmail typically involves two people who have established a close personal or intimate relationship (parent and child, spouses, siblings, or two close friends). Children, too, will employ special pleading and emotional blackmail to promote their own interests, and self-development, within the family system.
A criminal blackmailer might threaten to use knowledge about a person's past to ruin her reputation, or ask to be paid off in cash to hide a secret. Emotional blackmail hits closer to home. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationship with them. They know our vulnerabilities. Often they know our deepest secrets. No matter how much they care about us, when they fear they won't go their way, they use this intimate knowledge to shape the threats that give them the payoff they want: our compliance.
Knowing that we want love or approval, our blackmailers threaten to withhold it or take it away altogether, or make feel we must earn it. For example, if you pride yourself being generous and caring, the blackmailer might label you selfish or inconsiderate if you don't accede to his wishes. If you value money and security, the blackmailer might attach conditions to providing them or threaten to take them away. If you believe the blackmailer, you could fall into a pattern of letting him control your decisions and behaviour. We get locked into a dance with blackmail, a dance with myriad steps, shapes and partners.
When a couple splits acrimoniously, children are often used as emotional blackmail. “If you don’t do this, I won’t let you see the kids.” Whatever this is probably has next-to-nothing to do with you and is being palmed off because the other person won’t take self-responsibility.
Components of Emotional Blackmail
The issues may differ, but the tactics and action will be the same and clearly recognizable.
Demand-someone wants something
Resistance-the other does not feel comfortable with the demand
Pressure-used to make the resistant one give in
Threat-to turn up the pressure
Compliance-on the part of the resistant
Repetition-this pattern reoccurs in at least other situation (just with a different name)
Forward and Frazier identifies four blackmail types each with their own mental manipulation style:
Type
Example
Punisher’s threat
Eat the food I cooked for you or I’ll hurt you.
Self-punisher’s threat
Eat the food I cooked for you or I’ll hurt myself.
Sufferer’s threat
Eat the food I cooked for you. I was saving it for myself. I wonder what will happen now.
Tantalizer’s threat
Eat the food I cooked for you and you may get a really yummy dessert.
The Impact of Emotional Blackmail
Emotional blackmail may not be life threatening but it robs us of our integrity. Integrity is that place inside where our values and our moral compass reside, clarifying what right and wrong for us.
•We let ourselves down.
•A vicious cycle ensues.
•Rationalizing and justifying.
•We may betray others to placate the blackmailer.
•It sucks the safety out of the relationship.
•We may shut down and constrict emotional generosity.
The impact on our well-being:
•Mental health
•Physical pain as a warning
Know Where Your Emotional Boundaries Are
By knowing where your emotional boundaries are you will be able to tell when someone oversteps them. Sometimes we don’t see these things sneaking up on us. We are then left to pick up the pieces when things go off course. Understanding what being held emotional blackmail, really means is a great start. Remember you are not responsible for another person’s needs and/or feelings. If normal, healthy communication is not working out, begin setting boundaries so that people cannot cross you once your self-esteem has been violated. Protect yourself; know that you are enough just as you are, right now, no matter how hurtful people’s words or actions are towards you. If you cannot make clear statements without feeling helpless, remove yourself from that environment. Find a support system where you can openly discuss your feelings about being emotionally abused. Find that sense of self-love when you are ready. Self-love is the foundation for all of your true happiness in your life, which is found deep within yourself underneath all the wounded feelings of pain and insecurity; beneath all the hurt lies the purest form of joy and gratitude of yourself.
References
1. Michael Daniel, Life is meant to be lived, 2016 https://www.quora.coe/emotional-blackmail
2. Emotional Blackmail, www.goyourownway.org/
3. Journal of the National Association of Deans of Women. 11-12: 10. 1947.
4. Susan Forward/Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail (London 1997)
5. Levita Galinsky, The Use of Emotional Blackmail in a Relationship (2017)
6. Aaron Kaplan, How to Tell if You’re the Victim of Emotional Blackmail (2017), PsychCentral.com
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